2010-08-30

Summarise your sex life in one book title

2010-06-16

I'm Comic Sans, asshole.

2010-06-05

Today, while at a party, we were playing hide-and-seek. I had to take a huge dump so I tried to hurry up. Little did I know that everyone was hiding in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. FML

2010-03-29

Today, I borrowed a novel about Sherlock Holmes from the library and detective novels are always my favorite. I turned a few pages to where characters are introduced. On one of the name, apparently someone circled and wrote "He is the murderer" right next to it. FML

2010-03-22

Today, I was watching T.V. I flicked the channel to a documentary on bad kids. They had an anonymous speaker talking about how much she hated her kids. I recognized the voice. It was my mom. FML

2010-03-12

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

2010-02-22

A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

2010-02-18

This place has windows so you can see outside and shit. WHATSUP NEIGHBORS!

2010-02-16

Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

2010-01-30

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

2010-01-20

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

Today, my older brother and I were teasing our mom about her age. When we jokingly told her it was hard for us to watch our parents get old, she responded by saying "yeah, well, it's hard for me to watch my kids grow up and not have anyone who wants to marry them". FML

2010-01-10

Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her pooping adventures. We shared a laugh and she told me "I could never say that to my boyfriend, but I can to you. I don't know, it's like the uglier the boy, the more comfortable I am with him." FML

2009-12-31

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

2009-12-30

Would it be socially acceptable for a centaur to poop anywhere in the same way it is for a horse?

2009-12-16

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

2009-12-11

Today, I saw my favourite shirt on the floor of my dorm's bathroom. Feeling too lazy to bend down, I used my feet to "flick" the shirt up. Apparently, some drunkard took a dump on the floor and used my shirt to cover it up. I now have shit all over my feet, hands and the wall in front of me. FML

Free working LCD TV

2009-11-28

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

2009-11-25

Please design a logo for me. With pie charts. For free.

2009-11-12

Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

2009-11-05

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

2009-11-04

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the pan full of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

2009-10-30

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

2009-10-25

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

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